A Fine Balance

Fall is my favorite time of year. It is bright, sunny, not so hot or cold. I love being outside when the leaves crunch and the trees glow. And don't get me started about Friday night football and walking up to Camp Randall on a fine October Saturday. Ahhh, Fall.

With all this glory around me, my question is this: How do I stop long enough to enjoy it?  It is a difficult question for me, as I've always struggled with serving others, work schedules and leaving time (if any) for myself. Moms have so much responsibility, and I want to be helpful when I am called. And I need to be available. But right now, I want time for myself. I know, I know. It sounds so selfish.

I recognized a few weeks back that I have scheduled my free time to serve others, and for a while, I can handle it. I miss visiting with my friends. I miss horseback riding and mucking stalls. It sounds crazy, but being outside, getting dirty, is healthy for my soul. And no, reading about horseback riding is not the same.

 For me, I'm looking for a fine balance, one where I serve my amazing God and yet have time to just BE.

The Myth of More

When I say the word wealth, what do you think of? 

Money, and stuff right? We are truly a blessed nation, but my prayer is that we will be blessed with eternal wealth, not worldly wealth.  

I have struggled with a killer myth all my life—The myth of more. I want it all—I once answered an interview question, "If I could have anything in the world, what would that be?" My answer: More time—more time for fun, for work, for making money, for family, for more fun, for shopping.  Even if I had more time, I would still run behind.

What if the answer to that question is instead: Jesus.

We can have virtually anything we want, and it’s at our fingertips—food, information, friends, money, comfort.  I like to think that Jesus is my biggest priority, but I turn away from Him and get distracted daily. Why if Jesus is so good, do we look for more?

Jesus is God and Man. You see, God loves each of us so much, and we matter. Every one of us matters so much that God has made a way for us to be with him forever, if we accept Jesus Christ. Jesus was born a baby, was tempted yet sinless, trialed, killed, and on third day He rose to life again, to live forever. He paid the price with His life-- He was the only sacrifice worthy to be a replacement for all our sin. Jesus performed the well-known miracle of feeding 5,000 with just a few loaves and fish. It was actually a lot more people, because at the time women and children weren’t officially counted.  All the people gathered to hear Jesus teach. Jesus changed their lives.  HELLO!!! How many times do we read that text and not stop and think about what an amazing miracle that was!

In Matthew 14, after teaching, Jesus left to pray and sent his disciples into a boat to cross the sea of Galilee.  They should have been excited about the next adventure, having full faith and trust in Jesus, the miracle worker, the Messiah! Could you imagine, they probably went from giving high-five’s to absolute dread.  They were fearful.  Some of the disciples were fishermen, they knew a storm was coming and didn’t want to get into the boat, but they did. Jesus let them strain against the oars in the middle of a storm at the darkest part of the night, until they were over the deepest part of the sea of Galilee. It sounds like a bad situation, right?  It was. They cried out for Him- they were seasoned sailors, but were afraid for their lives!  The disciples were focused on the storm not Jesus. In fact, they were so focused on the storm, wondering where Jesus was that He almost passed them by. Jesus walked on water to them. He called to Peter to come to Him. Ahhh… Decision time. Peter chose to get out of the boat and he walked on the water toward Jesus, until he took his eyes off of Jesus. At that moment, He began to sink below the water.  Jesus reached down and pulled Peter up and out of the water. Jesus calmed the storm with mere words. Again, HELLO, what an amazing miracle. He can calm the storms in our lives too. He can truly grant us peace.

But, what an illustration of my life!  My Lord Jesus Christ is close, performs miracles in my life and the lives of people I know, and then I dread the next opportunity to serve Him.  I strain against the oars of life on my own, trying to find solutions (I imagine the sailors in the group tried about everything to stay afloat before they called on Christ), and I miss Christ in my life.  Sometimes I miss Christ because I’m so focused on myself I don’t recognize Him.  He patiently waits for me to almost drown before I put my eyes back on Him and reach for Him. He doesn’t need us, we need Him. He doesn’t have to love us, but He does.

What does this have to do with the myth of wanting more? If I truly put Jesus first in my life, I wouldn’t need more—He would be all I need.  Instead I put things in my life ahead of Him—my agenda, plans, comfort, and stuff I think I need.  We should be grateful for forgiveness, that Jesus doesn’t throw up His hands when we don’t want to get in the boat, or when we choose the world’s “more” instead of Him.  I pray we are desperate for Christ everyday, like the disciples were when they were in the midst of a great storm. Jesus doesn’t promise calm waters, but He is there, and will never to leave us, we just need to call out to Him.

That is why I pray for true wealth for North America. As affluent as we are, we have the “more” others seek- in fact we may think we have it all; and yet at times we have so little.  I pray for a continued revolution within each of us. To know Him personally, that we can fill ourselves with Him and have true wealth that will last for eternity. It will overflow from each of us and look like love to the rest of the world. I want each of us to know Christ so well that we reach for him when the water is calm, and that we don’t reach far because He’s so close. 

Friendship

I've felt alone and emotionally abandoned at times, even though I was surrounded by people and friends. I realize now, it had nothing to do with people leaving me, I opted out, for fear of rejection.  I've never been at a loss for for friends, but as the years progress, I take stock of the amazing people in my life and I am grateful.  This weekend I think about two of my girl friends from the Fox Cities-- Amy and Candi. Both have dealt with abandonment on various levels in their lives. They are strong. And I think about how they never left me, even though I wanted to leave them. They taught me how to dig in and get real. Sometimes I hated them challenging me, holding me accountable. I am truly grateful for the gift of friendship. I know through experience that if I have a need, I have "3 A.M. friends" I can call, and they'd come. If my friends call me, I'll be there for them. No matter what. I pray I never take my friendships for granted.

I wrote the following journal entry on November 7 of last year.
I sit watching Candi's candle burn (She gave it to me during a girls' retreat the weekend before).  She is a bright light for you, God. Flickering and glowing with Christ in her life. She is so much like this candle- hot, bright, dangerous for you Lord.  A flame though it starts a wild fire-- think Christmas giving, Romania-- is also fragile. Your oxygen is needed to keep it burning. Lord my prayer is that you keep her light burning. She is beautiful, strong, and courageous. Help us to be oxygen for her. I pray you are with her, that you can give us the love, words, and heart to love her even a fraction as much as You do. I pray for her test results Father, that your will be done, but that you spare her.

I wrote this following a great weekend with all our girls, but one that was difficult for me personally. I had to come home to Indiana, while everyone else stayed in Appleton. It was hard leaving, not knowing what the outcome would be for Candi. My friend was waiting to hear results from medical tests she'd had. It's never easy waiting when the results could be difficult to hear.  We prayed a lot, and cried a lot that weekend. I've thought about our friendship through the years, all the fun, the "stuff" we've been through together, and "stuff" that almost drove us apart. When I felt most abandoned by God, it was Amy and Candi that reminded me that He was there, even if I couldn't see it at the time. When it would have been easy for my friends to abandon me, they didn't. Through life's toughest struggles to be real, we find people willing to be real right back.

One simple post is not near enough to share what these friends mean to me- what all my friends mean to me.  I think about Candi's family leaving for Romania next week, and I offer praises for health, and pray that they're safe and able to share the light of Life.

Poser

The dictionary wasn't much help this morning.
Poser (noun): One who poses for photography or artwork. 

Well, that's not exactly what I was thinking.  I was thinking more like fake, imitator, or someone who pretends to stand for something, but really doesn't.  I was reflecting this morning about how young people can spot a poser (not someone actively posing for a photo- even we adults can spot that!) a mile away.  They know when someone is being fake or putting up a front, and they'll call you out.

God recognizes a poser too.  As I read through Luke 14:33 and Matthew 7:21-23 again, I take pause and take stock of my faith and the reality of my faithlessness sometimes.  Our small group began reading Radical, by David Platt. It is not an easy read, and in fact I've read the first few chapters several times. Re-reading doesn't make the text easier to swallow; I've been chewing on this for weeks. Christ is calling us out through His words in Luke and Matthew.

Jesus is all the Bible says He is, and He's done miracles for me personally. He has changed my heart and my life in ways I could never have imagined, so I've really been convicted (in a great and Godly way) about areas of my life that do not represent God well. I question whether I am taking Christ seriously.

I sometimes get blank stares from the youth I know
when I pose the following question:

"What does following Christ really look like?"

Big question, right? I struggle with that question too. If they see only part of God's truth, and if all they know is obedience-- do this but don't do that; and hear talk about following without consistent modeling; and  know only a loving God, how will they learn to rely on Him and allow God to change their heart? God is love, and He is at the same time a God who hates Sin. Without understanding the gift of grace and why Jesus died for us, it is just words, and Christ can't help them through real-world struggles. That is true for all of us. 

Back to Radical and a question I've been thinking and praying about: how am I modeling profound devotion to Christ? I don't want to be a poser. There is urgency in living a life for Christ.  The reward is knowing God. Personally knowing God. The reward is seeing others personally know God.

I felt empty last night after we shared prayer requests at church. I know that praying with the girls is amazing, and them truly praying for themselves and others is divine because God knows their hearts and hears each prayer. But when they feel alone, hurt, and angry and are without Christ, I grieve. I think they recognize Him, but not His amazing power for healing, comfort and peace. I've been there and it isn't a good place to be, it's dark.  So do I feel like a poser? No, Yes, Sometimes. In that order. Do I want to? No, No, No. In that order.  I am prayerful that I can reach people for Christ because it really matters. They really matter.

I'll leave you with words from David Platt's book:
"Indeed, the cost of nondiscipleship is great. The cost of believers not taking Jesus seriously is vast for those who don't know Christ and devastating for those starving and suffering around the world.  But the cost of nondiscipleship is not paid solely by them. It is paid by us as well."

I am still wrestling with what profound devotion looks like, but I know I can't get there without Him.

LiveLove the Dash

The dash is like a SUPER comma. It causes one to pause. Life is anything but a pause for me. I've lived life in fast forward, and as I contemplate the legacy I want to leave, I think more about the dash. "The" dash is my lifetime, the years between my birth year and time of death. I want to truly live and love well in the dash I've been given. It is my goal to not live so fast, but diliberately. I don't have it all figured out, that's what makes things interesting!

This blog represents my crazy, fun, mixed up journey, and it's my prayer that the thoughts I share make you think about living a dash that leaves a legacy of love and life. I don't want to just live, I want to fill my dash.